I had a conversation/debate with a man about sexism. Certain subjects came up and I found myself getting annoyed, irritated and frustrated. When I would make a point and talk about male misbehavior or negative attributes of the male nature, I was met with defensive remarks. The response was always him mentioning negative attributes of the women, instead of taking accountability for male misbehavior. I saw right through the defense mechanism and ego tripping. I’m beginning to see why there is a male loneliness epidemic and a deep chasm and divide between men and women. I’m convinced that men of this society and generation are brainwashed by misogyny and patriarchy. The Red Pill movement, the late Kevin Samuels, and the manosphere have contributed to the warped, delusional mindsets of many of these males. I think it has also increased mental illness and entitlement among the male gender.

I am a proud feminist, that believes in egalitarian values. I think the worse thing that was ever set up was a hierarchy. The idea of human beings having to submit themselves under another or putting people into boxes that set limits on their capabilities/growth. After thousands of years of male leadership and horrific atrocities, mass rapes, genocides, massacres, colonization. violence and human rights violations, that were consequences of male choices. It shows me that when men talk shit or criticize women, its projections of their own failures and dysfunctions. They can talk about what we as women do and criticize our gender, but purposefully be completely blind to their own faults, flaws, and malfunctions that lead to ruin/destruction in our society. They refuse to look at the men in the mirror and be accountable for their own fucked up choices.

My abusive father was my first bully. The man that was supposed to love, protect me, and support me ended up being a violent terrorist/dictator to my mother and the women in our household, including me. His former drug addiction and alcoholism had him acting like a demon in human form. I had my self esteem previously ruined and always questioning myself, because he told me I was stupid and a bitch like my mother. He loved to cut me down with his words, threaten me with violence when I challenged him, and beat my mother in front of me to the point where she was bleeding and crying. This was my first experience with the male gender. I learned from him that men were unpredictable, violent and individuals that you could not trust. I now understand the online view where people ask if women would choose the men or the bear.

Misogyny and Misogynoir is the main energy of the day. When men are running rampant in society, pimping women out and faking whole relationships to get marriage benefits, sexual gratification with no intention of reciprocating what women deserve or meeting their women’s needs. The diabolical ignorant ones take themselves on podcasts and talk about how much they dislike/hate their wives, brag about the amount of sidechicks they sleep with, and make private chat groups (millions of male members) giving each other pointers on how to drug, sexually assault and have their way with their wives, girlfriends and other women. They bash/disrespect their mothers, especially single moms and give all types of excuses on why they don’t want to get married or commit to their significant other. With the rampant infidelity and cheating they practice, and the amount of STDS/STIS women end up on the receiving end of , it speaks volumes about the disloyal, selfish nature that men display. Then when someone point this out, the response “not all men”, “women do it too”, or complete denial and profanity come out their mouths as a response. I am convinced the male ego cannot handle the harsh truths about their own gender, but love to mete out criticism on women; that’s the worse example of hypocrisy.

Between men jerking off to porn, comparing real women to the women in those sex movies, admitting on public surveys in mass ,that if they could they would change the age of sexual consent to 10 years old; are we as women supposed to trust men or take anything that they say seriously? The only time we receive male attention is usually mainly because of our looks/bodies and the opportunity for a man to eventually sleep with us. Feminism taught women that if men want something from us, we should be reimbursed in some way for it. We are no longer property, we now have rights, and the services/ unpaid labor that we provide should not be received for free or without proper compensation. That’s why the term gold digger makes me laugh. Men are upset that they now have to pay for services they historically took for granted and got for free through law and force. They feared our abilities so much, they had to create a system to control us. Patriarchy taught them that they are entitled to women’s bodies, time,youth because they are men. That we as women must submit to them, because of the power they hold (political,financial,social etc). Women have risen up formed their own movements and responded to male oppression, manipulation and coercive control.

The stereotypes and social programming women have undergone for centuries are being broken one step at a time. We have been called emotional, illogical, jezebels ,and a host of other disrespectful and denigrative terms because of the incorrect idea that we are somehow inferior to men. Women have some of the highest IQ’s on earth. Marilyn Vos Savant had a 228 on the Stanford Binet Intelligence test, one of the highest recorded scores in history. and she was 10. Without the underappreciated, unpaid labor of women, society would collapse. If all the women disappeared from earth and men had to take on all the roles, responsibilities of women and mothers, they would go bankrupt, and probably start mirking each other, worse than what they do now.

Its frustrating living among members of the opposite sex; beings who want to constantly disrespect you, denigrate you, tear you down, sleep with you, drain all your resources and energy/youth and not want to reciprocate anything of substance back to you. Your expected to be sucked dry and made to mule and be an unpaid servant, because of your status as a woman and its sickening. Then when you rebel, resist the crooked sexist system and call men to change, they respond with apathy, angry denial, defensiveness, and purposeful ignorance. Why don’t they want to become better men? Why don’t they want to grow/grow up? Why don’t they want to find solutions? It seems they don’t care and wallow in stagnation and that makes social relations with women worse.

We are the therapists, sex workers, wombs, cooks, nannies, teachers, nurses, cleaners, assistants and many more roles that we often don’t get monetary pay for in relationships with them, and men think they are owed these services because they have a penis. They often don’t appreciate what women do either, they take it for granted or think its owed to them. Once you age, they want to trade you in for a younger model(woman) after years of making sacrifices of time, loyalty, and labors of love/responsibility. This is why women are embracing singlehood, because they are counseled that they moment you get sick or older, there’s a high probability that your male partner will leave you. We are being warned by our great grandmothers, grandmas and other female relatives to have your own money, career, and education so a man can’t abuse, control or imprison you. With dynamics like these this is why women treat men the way that they do, and are beginning to distance themselves more and more.

Its frustrating living under a Patriarchal system that tries to limit you as a woman, hold you down so you can’t match a man’s status or level of success/authority. Luckily this is changing due to feminist and women’s rights movements. There have been women who have broken barriers and I’m proud of them.There has never been a woman president in the US and that’s not be accident, but by a sexist design. I mourn due to the fact the social programming they gave us of what men are supposed to be, they end up being the exact opposite and cause so much pain, chaos and destruction. That desire for a husband/partner is being stripped away, because I see men acting like diabolical monsters and harming women around them, not treating them properly. Why is it too much to ask to be treated with dignity, decency and basic respect as women? And when men do treat women properly, other men call them “simps” and discourage them from acting like decent human beings. I truly believe this generation of men are completely lost and brainwashed with the wrong misogynistic mindsets

I’m not sure if men are even capable of loving women the right way. All I see is them using them for comfort and convenience and then bouncing, leaving broken hearts everywhere and sometimes abandoned children. The prince charming fairytale is a myth. The idea that a man is supposed to be my Protector seems like a lie, when I’m always put in positions where I have to protect myself from them. Its a messed up situation and causes me to feel an inner sadness that never seems to completely leave. Having to walk the tightrope of interacting with men trying to live in peace with them and being scared of what they may become and do, at the same time is exhausting. These are just some of the frustrating things about living in a patriarchy. The disrespect, devaluation and mistreatment you face just because you aren’t a man angers and disgusts me. It is this type of oppressive system and treatment that forms the very rebel that I have become. Its like living in a jungle with men at times. I don’t want to get caught up or harmed by them. I cant be soft in a harsh environment where you have to have a level of toughness for survival purposes. I’m still trying to figure out how to relate to men in this society, it is not easy

I just finished having a conversation with my dad. What was supposed to be a conversation about us catching up and relaying info about a family member who wanted to communicate with him; ended up turning into argument. I felt angered, enraged and after extreme sadness. I ended up breaking down. I’m mad at myself, because I let him make me cry once again. Why doesn’t my dad love me? Why does he hate me so much? He insults me, criticizes me, belittles me. I go no contact. He eventually reaches out and asks for forgiveness or sends a guilt gift (a gift that appeases his guilty conscience). The cycle happens again eventually. I forgive him and begin to open my heart to him and communicate with him , then without warning he ends up hurting me/harming me. It must be the little girl in me, still looking for a father. But the reality is I have an abusive controlling man as a father. I feel like a damn fool, for hoping. Thinking he will ever change. He shows me again and again that he won’t.

The church, the bible teaches me to forgive my enemies.I guess that’s why I keep forgiving my dad, because he’s my enemy. His actions and words, he acts like an enemy. He makes me sad, angry and always on my defensive. Years of being socialized that blood is thicker than water, that my family will always be family. Its all a fucking lie. I’m tired of being hurt, denigrated, disrespected, and harmed. I have to completely let him go .Its hard and it hurts. Its like I have to mourn him, grieve the idea of a loving father that I’ll never have. I have to treat him like he doesn’t exist. Like someone you’ve had a funeral for, yet they are still alive.

With every tear I shed tonight, I’m realizing how wounded I am because of him. I have so many inward scars that my father has given me, the outward scars healed, but the inward scars are still very much there. I saw this man assault and beat up my mother. He even pushed me,grabbed me, me, smacked me up and threw objects at me; and I still forgave him; all I ever wanted was for him to love me. I now realize he can’t. He has a sickness and a violent streak that I can’t cure. My love for him and my forgiving him, won’t change him. I basically have to treat him like someone that has a Danger Keep Off sign posted across their property. Tonight, that argument brought me back to feeling like I was 18 all over again. So many memories and flashbacks entered my mind. My kids gave me hugs and my daughter made me some tea. My blood pressure was dangerously high. I hope it goes down so I don’t have to visit the ER tonight. I texted my friend and acquaintance group and let them know what happened, but I don’t want to burden them. I have to deal with these intense feelings and sadness on my own. I refuse to ruin their happiness. I’m hoping once I calm down to find my center and happiness again. Right now all I feel is grief and pain within me.

It’s because of my father, I can’t even fully trust any man. I can’t even get into a romantic relationship because Im so scared. I’m so afraid of falling in love and that new man ends up turning out to be just like my father. I keep male friends at a safe enough distance, because I’m afraid that things will go left. When I’m attracted to a man, it becomes a war inside of me. I like the feelings of passion, desire, attraction, but I feel extreme fear, nervousness and anxiety sat the same time, I want to run away from that person I like. My father is like the boogeyman in the back of mind that ends up affecting my interactions with others, making me afraid of connection, even though I know I want it. Its nice when you have good connections. My friend and acquaintance group J,A,G,D (using initials to protect their identities) have shown me good times, and connection that seems safe. I haven’t felt this happy or open in a long time around people. But this interaction tonight with my father, reminds me that I can’t trust everyone, I can’t trust certain individuals. I feel so embarrassed that, my own father ends up being the man that I have to run from and protect myself from. I am the scarred daughter, that has to wear armor and a metaphoric bulletproof vest just to keep myself safe.

I feel like distance and aloneness is the main way to keep myself safe from those who may harm me. Tonight, I listened to Evanescence’s song: “My Immortal”‘ to soothe my sad mood. I plan to reach out to my therapist, tomorrow by text. I have a session coming up. This blog has become helpful in helping me sort out emotions that I can’t always identify, when a I feel a million emotions at once.I’m glad to be healing these wounds little by little.

Dear Darryl George, when I first saw your story on the internet news; I remember thinking Wow that young man is brave. He’s taking a stand for his rights. I also remember feeling angry about the unjust way you were being treated, and thinking about the stress and suffering you were going through, just because you dared to keep your dreds (cultural hairstyle).

Young man, I am sorry about your pain and injustice. Just know I support what you had the courage to do and am inspired by your fight for justice. I am truly sorry you did not get the outcome you desired. The decision the judge rendered concerning your case, was not just or correct. Right now, we have a level of corruption that is extreme and it influences systems and institutions. We have a far right leaning immoral Supreme Court justices that sit in the highest court in the land. What you are facing and up against is white supremacist institutional racism.

Texas was one of the states of the Confederacy historically. It presently contains 97 hate groups and still has active chapters of the KKK in existence. Let’s not forget the history. When black people gained their freedom from slavery and started gaining civil rights in the state; the government undermined the law and passed Jim Crow laws in direct opposition to the new law. The passing of the Jim Crow laws were to keep African Americans/Black individuals from exercising these new freedoms due to the racism of the whites that were in power. These same individuals who historically outlawed Black languages, black religion, black cultural clothing, banned African hairstyles and forced African Americans to assimilate to European colonial standards of practice are not going to just change their ways; without political pressure, civil war or powerful social movements. The racists in our society aren’t just going to fall in line without a fight. Southern states especially, those historically Confederate have a practice of undermining, defying new laws that give black people protections under the law.

I say to you well done young king. Irregardless, of the unjust decision the court rendered, you have my respect. And what you have done will be listed in legal history. Even when cases aren’t won, the decisions rendered, still set a precedent and a foundation for future cases and court battles like yours. There will be others who will look at the example you set and follow in your footsteps. There will be others who will take up the mantel, where you left off and fight for their hairstyles and personal expressions of culture and against discrimination. Your fight gives people hope. It gives people the courage to say I am Black and I am proud, respect my culture, I have the right to express it. We all know that the school administration did discriminate against you and did violate the Crown Act in the way it treated you. We know a Republican right leaning judge in a state that upholds white supremacist ethics and culture is not going to give you a fair/impartial decision. In spite of all this, you stood firm, I salute you and thank you for the example you have set and the reminder that we all need to stay socially aware and keep fighting for justice.

Don’t let this unjust decision that they gave you, get you down or make you give up on your dreams. Stay focused, keep standing up for your beliefs and standing up for the principles you hold. You remind me of a young Marcus Garvey or Martin Luther King Jr. You have a bright future ahead of you. This obstacle will not define the rest of your life. Things will eventually have to change in this racist society. The struggle for equality, justice, fairness will continue. Young man you have done your part. I tip my hat to you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Its been a long journey with doing three DNA testings thru Ancestry, 23 and me, and My heritage. I finally spoke with my half aunt, Dad’s half sister Julie (Aunt Jewel). She told me the story of what happened to my abuela. She was raped/sexually assaulted after going on a date with my grandfather. She already had a baby at the time. All the research I did, brought up cousins and ancestral places that come from my grandfather’s bloodline. But she shared a name and surname, that I never heard before. The name Phillip Simmons. When I try to find records of someone by that name, its pretty elusive. I don’t know if the name is his biological surname, whether or not he was adopted and took on his adoptee family’s last name, or whether it was an alias. I looked up public records and there are numerous people with that name, but none that fit the details of what I believe would be him.

He would have to be around my grandmother’s age or older, she’s in her 80’s and frequented the NY (Bronx,Spanish Harlem, New jersey area; my abuela lived in those places). Its like my grandfather is a ghost, a criminal phantom that keeps eluding us all. Who the hell are you granpa? The one who is responsible for my abuela Julie’s trauma, that led to her giving up my dad and uncle for adoption, the one responsible for creating a family line out of your lack of sexual control and inability to respect a woman’s choice/consent over her own body. My kids have medical illnesses that may have been passed down from your genes or etc. But I can’t know that for sure because I don’t know who the hell you are or what you look like or your medical issues. I don’t even know if your alive or dead.

I never thought about how not knowing your roots, history or bio bloodline would affect me detrimentally; until a few years ago. Lord knows I’m grateful for my adopted grandparents Luz and Don Arturo; they gave me love, acceptance and taught me boricua culture. I will always be grateful for that. My dad had parents that stepped in and did the job that his bio parents didn’t. But to not know that bio history has always been a mystery and nagged at me. How can you know who you truly are, unless you know where you came from? I hope to one day find the answers that I seek

Being a domestic violence survivor is an experience. I was triggered last Friday. Something was done to me by an individual that I found unjust. I felt as if my rights were violated. Because this person was in a position of power, I felt nothing but inward rage, fear,anxiety for days. So much so I began to have tension headaches,literally feeling the right side of my head throbbing coupled with insomnia. It’s frustrating as fuck when you feel angry and helpless. Someone wrongs you and they get away with it, because they are in a position of power. When you go to other entities/agencies for help or support, they take up for the person who violated you.It’s the worse feeling in the world when you feel like justice is witheld from you.

As a black woman, I realize these institutions were not set up for us (communities of color). The people who run these institutions are wicked, and they could care less about helping people. I’m beginning to think its all about the money, and maintaining the status quo. Its disgusting that you have to be in close contact with individuals who try to manipulate, oppress, use or abuse you. People in power think they can treat you or talk to you anyway they please. When you work for individuals who treat you that way its even worse. I’ve had individuals try to lie on me to try to get me in trouble or ruin my reputation. When its someone you trusted, you feel betrayed, like you were stabbed in the back.

I had my narcissist mother lie on me and also get my sisters and other relatives to do her bidding, as well as an abusive ex-husband. Demonic, evil people influence and control other people’s minds.It makes it hard to stand up for righteousness. When you do, you become a target of their revenge,dislike, machinations or punishment. PTSD is like the past visiting you and intruding on present time. Flashbacks of painful memories (vivid photogenic pictures) or deja vu/an experiential time loop of recycled pain/extreme emotions. Fearful of the same feelings, fearful of the same past hurtful experiences repeating itself in present time.

You try to overcome, you try to move forward, but the moment someone or something triggers you, your back to square one. I began to drink years ago to try to deal with my pain; then gave it up for God. I’m not on meds because I don’t want to be medication dependent. Therapy is a true help. But the difficult moments where you are alone and dealing with the emotions is a true test.You try not to think about it (whatever the trigger is), you try not to be afraid or hypervigilant but its a natural reaction. Your defenses go all the way up and you feel as if your being swept away in a current of deep waters or an uncontrolled sea. Your trying to find your way back to land or to a buoy or life preserver that you can hold on to; until the waters are calm again.

Its been 5 days and I’m still not completely ok yet. I’m trying to get there, back to equilibrium,back to normalcy, back to freedom, back to my sense of calm. I hope I make it thru this, without spazzing out. I just want my centeredness back.I have to get back to me.I have to get back to myself.

I decided to do a deep dive into Christian history a few years ago. I found out about theological racism, the slave bible, the American Colonization society started by a “christian” presbyterian clergyman whose purpose was to send emancipated slaves and free people of color back to Africa, the history of the KKK visiting churches, lynchings of black people after sunday church services being watched as a spectator sport by white Christians and other atrocities. It affected the way I saw the religious aspect of Christianity.

The Christian culture practiced here in the United states and many other places has been tainted by white supremacy and, Roman/Greco Western culture. I saw the election of Trump ,as well as the murders of Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, and countless others cause debates and schisms between members of my church and other churches. I even lost white friends and had to end friendships with conservative Republicans who were being racist or putting their politics above their faith. The fact that the majority of churches are still segregated, has led me to distance myself from the religious aspects of Christianity. I began to feel disconnected and disgusted by certain circumstances going on within Christian culture and churches.

I’ve had to do tons of research just to find black, Native American and latino theologians with realistic, truthful progressive views that challenge the immorality and incorrect status quo that the Euro-Christian Western culture promotes. To find religious leaders from my ethnic backgrounds and community who talk about faith and their racial/cultural experience and incorporate that into their theology. The late Reverend James Cone was a powerhouse. His words and the words of other African/Afro American theologians are like water to me. The fact that they are courageous enough to challenge unjust, racist, ungodly religious systems really inspires me. The status quo is dangerous and leads so many astray. Christ if he were still on earth would care about communities of color and would be ministering to them, because Christ often went to the marginalized and outcasts.

The fact that the current government is going as far as to ban books, or limit/ban black history courses, and labels any history/facts that offend white fragility as “wokeism”, is a sign of the times and the fact that this is not a post-racial America. That racism is shown each and every time a certain white demographic tries to suppress the truth of the histories of minorities in this country. The church and the Christian religion are not immune from that racist influence either.

We are such brothers and sisters in Christ that we live segregated lives, in segregated communities, and when its time to vote, a certain racial/political demographic votes for policies that harm communities of color and minorities. Its really hypocrisy and the use of religion to try to hide these racist sensibilities. The true church isn’t always in a building or institution. They are individuals of faith that live in love, seek after truth, and try to abide/promote Christ’s teachings.

Christ ministered to sinners, the poor, the sick, the homeless, the demon possessed, etc. He was always criticizing and rebuking the Pharisees (religious elites) for their legalism, duplicity and hypocrisy. I keep searching for how my African/indigenous ancestors worshipped God before slavery/colonization, before Christianity was tainted and poisoned by Euro-supremacy. From negro spirituals, to watch night services, to testimony gatherings, to worshipping God freely in the swamps/bush away from white supervision is the history of some of my ancestors. I also found out that there were Christians in African before European colonization and the slave trade. The history has been minimized and hidden due to theological racism. I continue to do the hard work of searching for these truths. So my Deconstruction continues.